


The time for prancing

by thatgirlfromasgard



Series: fluids crack fics [3]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Caramelldansen, Gen, Impromptu dance lessons, Oneshot, Pranks, blatant abuse of admin powers, crackfic, cyborg shenanigans, shady deals, this fic is a mess alright, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25041295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatgirlfromasgard/pseuds/thatgirlfromasgard
Summary: Xisuma realises he can do some cool things with the lights in the cyborg parts of his friends. And what better than to try and use it to just meme on everyone?
Series: fluids crack fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1811404
Comments: 20
Kudos: 198





	The time for prancing

**Author's Note:**

> this fic references some things from the fic '... and doom was spelled in their eyes', you may wanna read that one first. its number one in my series of crack fics.

The update disks were something Xisuma took very seriously. He knew that adding the wrong files to it, or broken code, could render one of his cyborg friends incapacitated. Some badly calibrated settings could make their life a living hell until it was fixed, and if possible, X would rather not have to bugfix any of that mess. Luckily for him (and the cyborgs of the server) he had gotten rather good at the programming aspect of it all over the years, and things hadn’t really gone wrong in a long time.

That being said, he also hadn’t really added any… _adventurous_ features and patches for a long time, mostly sticking to necessary updates or quality-of-life things. That was, until the Doom port. It had made him realise that a lot more was possible than he had previously thought, and it had taught him a thing or two about displays, sounds, and how to import custom files, as well as a very shallow venture into outside input.

It had _also_ made him realise that he could control the coloured glow cybernetic eyes gave off. It had sparked a little bit of an idea that he had been working on in the background for a few weeks now, a few lines of code at a time.

_This prank is going to be so good once it’s done. First though…_

He glanced at the clock on his communicator, realising it was almost time for his meeting with the resident musical genius. Xisuma quickly put away the last few things of his project, so no one would accidentally stumble upon it, and then ran out of his base. He kept running until the floor disappeared out from under his feet and he was plummeting to the ground, waiting a split second before deploying his elytra and graciously gliding further instead of falling. One rocket fired, and he could already see the vague outline of the Monstrosity in the distance, and he just needed two more before lowering his altitude and gliding into one of the mismatched-but-somehow-fitting buildings.

A pond with blooming lilies spread out below the wooden walkway, and he could see a llama in a minecart drive around in circles around the room, popping up in the various doorways before disappearing into the wall again. Etho was already sitting and waiting there, his feet dangling off the walkway.

“Hello there! Did I keep you waiting?” the admin asked as he folded his elytra back once more. Etho leaned back, looked at him, and shrugged.

“Nah, not really. I was just enjoying my opulent gardens a little, no worries.” He smiled, then stood up. “Speaking about llamas, what can I do for you? You said it was something music-related, but why didn’t you just go to Little Etho’s Little Music Box? Of course, I appreciate you coming straight to the source, but…”

The admin grinned mischievously.

“Well… If I’m entirely honest the thing I wanted to ask you falls more in line with your _other_ business, if you get what I mean.”

Etho stroked his chin, as a twinkle appeared in his eyes.

“I see, I see. Well, if that’s the case… Follow me. This is not the place to discuss these things.” He gestured for Xisuma to follow, and then started walking away without any further explanation, and the admin didn’t doubt he would not be getting any even if he asked. And so he followed the other man out of the gardens, down a staircase, and into a tunnel flanked by sugarcane. Then, about halfway through, the ninja hopped off of the little bridge situation he had going on there, and into a pipe on the side, seemingly not caring for the water and sludge soaking into his boots and pants. A metre or so into it he actually got onto his hands and knees in order to crawl further in. This was the part where Xisuma actually paused. He knew Etho had his quirks, but this…

“Are you coming? We’re almost there,” came echoing out of the tunnel. Xisuma weighed his options, and then sighed. This probably had a reason. It _had_ to have a reason. Besides, he really needed Etho’s help on this project.

“Yes, yes, I’m on my way.” He, too, made the jump, instantly feeling the underside of his pants becoming soggy and a little bit slimy too.

_I do NOT want to know what this stuff is. I really do not._

A metre further, the pipe got less wide, and he had no choice but to get his hands into the murky water as well. He saw Etho crawl in front of him, and the admin wondered if this was an elaborate kind of prank or simply another traditional Canadian custom. Or maybe it was just the way the ninja thought and functioned.

A little bit of crawling later, the pipe widened once more, to reveal a small table and two chairs, both partially submerged. A lantern illuminated the small room, and there was some goop dripping down from the ceiling in some places. The ninja went and sat in one of the chairs, and Xisuma had no choice but to pick the other.

“Alright. Now that we’re here, what can I help you with?” Etho asked, seemingly not caring for the sludge all around.

“You… why are we in a sewer?” Xisuma asked.

“This is not a _sewer_. This is Shade-e E's Water-based Enterprise Room. S.E.W.E.R. for short.” Etho looked as though he found it scandalous that the admin would even _suggest_ that this was a waste drainage pipe. That would mean he _hadn’t_ consciously pumped goop into here, and goop most definitely wasn’t waste.

“But-“

“Let’s get down to business. You have something shady you wanted done, correct?” The ninja leaned forwards, putting his elbows on the table and tapping his fingers together one by one, instantly shifting into shady business mode. Xisuma spluttered a little, but then sighed and decided to just roll with it. He would not be covered in goo for no reason.

“Alright, so… I’m working on a project. A prank, if you will, and I need some _very_ specific music for it.” He too leaned forwards, but instead of trying to act like a shady businessman that smelled a deal, it was mostly just to lean out of the way of sludge that was dripping straight onto his head. Almost as though the chair had been positioned for exactly that to happen. Xisuma had to wonder how many others had gone through this in order to make a shady deal.

“A prank, eh? Consider me interested. You have come to the right man. So, what kind of music do you need?” The admin would swear the other man was grinning underneath his facemask, but he could never know for sure.

“You know Caramelldansen, right? I need that, except with the lyrics replaced with Doc’s voice singing the lines.”

“Of course. I see you’re a man of culture as well. Job accepted. I assume Doc shouldn’t know about it?” Etho raised an eyebrow, and Xisuma nodded.

“Yes. He can’t know. Lucky for you, though… I got all files for his voice modulator. That might make your job ever so slightly easier. Besides that… I don’t want this song in noteblock format. I need it as a file.” He opened up his inventory, picking out a labelled disk and putting it on the table, careful to evade any bits of green goop that had fallen on it. Then he shoved it forwards with two fingers, keeping eye contact the whole time.

“I see, I see.” The ninja picked up the disk, looking at it from a few angles. “Can I keep this after I’m done making your song?” There was a hint of _something_ in his voice, and Xisuma knew it was probably not a good idea in the slightest to have someone as chaotic as Etho have this. At the same time, he knew he was already looking forwards to whatever pranks he would pull with it. There was probably a bargain that could be struck here.

“If you can give me a discount, then yes.” The admin smiled brightly.

“Hmmm… Usually giving discounts goes against my business ethics, but… In this very specific case, I will make an exception. I’ll make that song for you for… let’s say, a block of blue shiny rocks and these files. But that is _only_ because I’m intrigued with what you’ll do with it.”

“Deal.” They shook hands, and the admin pulled the right amount of diamonds out of his inventory. He was about to hand them over when Etho shook his head and made a stop motion with his hand.

“No, no, no, not those. The _other_ kind of blue shiny rocks.” Xisuma frowned, unsure what he meant.

_Surely he has to mean diamonds, right? What other kind of blue shiny rocks are there even?_

“Look, a man has gear that needs enchanting, you know? I’m done building my opulent gardens and the surrounding area, so I have no need for those,” the ninja said, nodding to the diamonds, and Xisuma suddenly understood.

_Lapis. He means lapis lazuli. I mean… That’s blue? And kind of shiny too, in the right light? I don’t think it counts as rock, though, it’s more of a gem, but… Well, if he wants lapis… Sure._

“Ah, I see. Derp. Do you have an ender chest here somewhere, so I can get some out of there?”

“Of course. This wouldn’t be a Shade-e E’s Water-based Enterprise Room without it. It’s over there.” Etho then pointed to one of the corners of the room, where another pipe connected, letting a generous stream of murky water splatter down on a sludge-covered thing that was still recognisable as an enderchest courtesy of the purple sparkles coming off of it. The admin followed his finger, and bit his lip when he saw the chest. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, or why he had expected it to be something else than this. Maybe he just wanted to believe that Etho was capable of _not_ trolling someone when the opportunity arose. And yet, here he was.

_Of course._

With a sigh, he went over to the chest, opening it as little as possible to prevent the water from getting into his neatly organised set of shulker boxes. Sadly, he quickly found that that was not the way this would go, because there was no way he could get his hand far enough in there to take out what he needed. And so, with another sigh, he just opened it up fully, quickly snatching out the right boxes before shutting it again. He would take care of that back at his base.

Xisuma then put the shulker box on his knees, above the water, before opening and taking out a block of lapis, as Etho had requested. It would barely be enough to enchant three items with, but if this was what the ninja wanted… He wouldn’t question it further. He just wanted to get out of this sewer.

“There ya go. How quickly can you get it done?” He handed over the block, which this time _was_ in fact accepted.

“A few days, give or take. I haven’t done this before, though, so it might take a little bit longer. A week tops, I think. Is that okay?”

“That should be fine. I still need to code in some voice recognition anyway. Just drop it off at my base when it’s done!”

“Of course, of course. While you’re here, do you want to subscribe to any of Shade-e E’s premium packages? I’m offering a new mining service, just three blue shiny rocks. Not the enchanting ones, that is, the building ones.”

Xisuma only had to think back one second at the absolute annoyance it had been to remove hundreds of glass panes from basically all of his chests, and politely declined.

“Well, I’ll have to get going now. Still got a lot to do on my projects, you know how it is.” He stood up, walked a few paces, and then realised he would have to crawl out of the sewer once more, which he did with an unamused expression on his face. Etho’s cheery “Pleasure doing business with you!” didn’t help that in the slightest.

~~~~~~

A week passed by rather quickly, and Etho delivered as promised. A brand-new disk found its way onto a wall in his bedroom in an item frame, surrounded by a bunch of piles of bricks, for some reason. It looked like the ninja had even gone through the trouble of sticking some of them together with mortar, but not all of them. Xisuma didn’t even want to think about that being a new subscription service, because if it was, he would quite quickly find himself unsubscribing. This was not the kind of nonsense he needed in his life. That being said, he knew a few people that might actually like it. Grian could use it, probably. Wasn’t he building a mansion, after all? It could only help him if someone took care of a few of the walls.

A playful grin danced on his lips as he walked over and climbed over the bricks to get to the disk. This was going to be good.

And indeed, as he went and put the disc into a jukebox, the sweet tones of Doc’s voice going _oo-oo-oa-oa_ to the beat were just as good as he would have imagined it, or perhaps better even. It was everything he had expected and more.

_Etho really delivered on this. I should go and tip him, at some point._

Knowing he would need to listen to many more repeats of the song in the future however, he took the disk out of the jukebox after just the one cycle. And then he got to work to put the last few bits together. In theory, it was just uploading the file, dragging it into the update as a dependency, changing a few references in the code, and that should be it. Something that should take ten minutes, tops. And after that… He just needed to call in Doc to apply the update. He already knew how he was going to do that too. It was really simple even. With his new position as official Hogcatcher of the server, he could probably use some hoglin-finding features, as well as a small program to list the places where rogue hoglins had been spotted earlier. And that was the main focus of the update disk Xisuma had made. The prank… Well. That was hidden. Call it an Easter egg.

Xisuma was smiling the whole time as he compiled the program in a strangely holographic disc.

~~~~~~

The admin had known for a fact that their weekly meeting would be the first time Doc and Iskall would be talking in the same room. He also knew for a fact that the update had worked flawlessly, as signified by Docs cybernetic eye blinking from purple to blue to green to red during the installation. After that, he just needed to wait until the right moment.

And the right moment was now. Quite some of the Hermits were already sitting in the meeting, with just a few of them missing. Iskall was one of the missing people, which only made things better. He had signified already he would run a few minutes late thanks to some mob issues of Doom (Xisuma had seen he had still been playing Doom about a minute before the meeting was supposed to start) and that they should just start without him.

_Excellent._

“Hello everyone! It’s good to see almost all of you were on time this week, so I would say it’s time to start. First off, the topics for this week. I think it would be good to first let our mayor, Dogcatcher, and Hogcatcher say something about what they’ve done this week, and after that, we’ll continue on with the discussion about what happened to the main End island. Does anyone have issues with that?” He looked around, seeing Stress and Ren look suspiciously to each other and then at the ground at the mention of the End island. Xisuma couldn’t in the slightest think of any reason why anyone would conceivably even _think_ that those two were responsible for covering the entire thing in pink concrete, paint, and banners. Really. It was a mystery. His eyes went further, over to Etho, who had slightly tilted his head in a questioning manner, and X did nothing but blindly tap out a quick message on his thigh.

<xisumavoid> You’ll see the fruit of your labours when Iskall comes in.

The ninja managed to stealthily retrieve his communicator and read the message, before squinting at Xisuma, but not in a bad way. More in a _oh-really-now?_ kind of way.

Nevertheless, given that no one seemed to have issues with the proposed order of business, the admin sat down, gesturing for Scar to go right ahead and do his thing. He ignored the little popups in the bottom corner of his visor, for once too focussed on the door to send judgemental stares to the cyborgs playing Doom during the meeting. As such, he also barely heard what Scar had to say. Something about the mycelium menace or something of the sorts.

Not a minute or two in, though, the door opened, and Xisuma suddenly sat a lot straighter in his chair. There he was. Iskall. Ready to open his mouth and trigger something he had no idea of.

“Hello, sorry I’m-“

That’s about as far as he came before several things happened at once. First of all, Doc’s eye, as well as the various other glowing bits of light spread over his cybernetics, started to blink in a specific series of colours. Purple, blue, green, red. Purple, blue, green, red. Then the music came on over his built-in speakers, impressively loudly. Mumbo, who had been sitting next to Doc, almost fell off his chair with the sudden onslaught of sound, and recognition bloomed in Iskalls face before it looked like all will to live just left his body.

The responses around the table seemed mixed. Etho was chuckling already, knowing what was to come and looking ahead eagerly, while TFC seemed mostly confused. Grian was groaning in recognition, where the girls were just more or less hopping on their chairs in time with the beat. Stress even did the proper bunny ear dance. Doc himself seemed the most confused, not entirely getting what was happening or why it was happening.

“I’ve been hacked! Someone hacked me!” he exclaimed.

And then the lyrics came in.

_Vi undrar är ni redo att vara med  
Armarna upp nu ska ni få se  
Kom igen  
Vem som helst kan vara med_

Even while he kept his mouth shut, or tried saying more things about being hacked, his voice still filled the room, singing the lyrics in perfect Swedish, including the pitch shifts. That, combined with the absolutely _baffled_ look on his face, were enough to send both Xisuma and Etho into a laughing fit.

_Så rör på era fötter  
Oa-a-a  
Och vicka era höfter  
O-la-la-la  
Gör som vi  
Till denna melodi_

It seemed like rather infectious laughter too, as it didn’t take long before basically most of the table to devolve into a giggling mess, while Doc was pushing all the buttons he could find in order to turn the music off.

_Dansa med oss  
Klappa era händer  
Gör som vi gör  
Ta några steg åt vänster_

Not that it helped an awful lot. Xisuma had done his job right. Doc was frantically looking around now, before his eyes rested on the admin.

_Lyssna och lär  
Missa inte chansen  
Nu är vi här med  
Caramelldansen!_

“You! It was that update, wasn’t it?”

_Oo-oo-oa-oa  
Oo-oo-oa-oa-a  
Oo-oo-oa-oa  
Oo-oo-oa-oa-a_

Xisuma, though, was unable to answer in words, in tears with laughter, and so he just nodded and stuck his thumb up.

“Can you stop it?” Iskall shouted over the music, and Xisuma couldn’t help but laugh even harder as a second instance of the song started blaring over Doc’s speakers, just playing through the first version.

“What the hell?!” he then added, prompting a third instance to play as well to add to the cacophony of music.

“He has… he has to… he has to do the dance!” the admin finally managed to bring out between fits of laughter. Stress, on the other side of the table, started beaming.

“I can teach you! I know how to do it!” she exclaimed, already jumping up from her chair and running around the table. Doc looked about as miserable as when he was chosen for the Hogcatcher position but stood up anyway.

“Is that really the only way to get rid of it?”

Once again, the admin nodded, while Etho was vaguely lamenting the lack of popcorn together with Bdubs and Beef. The first instance of the song managed to come to an end right about then, but instead of staying silent, it just more or less started anew, so there went Doc’s vague hope that time would solve his issue.

And that’s how it happened that Stress took Doc through the movements of Caramelldansen, later also joined by False, Cleo, and Joe. Every time Iskall said a few words a new instance of the song started, too, morphing the entire thing into a weird canon of unintelligible Swedish. As it happened, the admin just very, very slowly typed in the command to make it stop, disguising his taps as brushes against his legs.

He should have _probably_ told Doc that he could just do that, and not make up something about having to do the dance, but where was the fun in that? Besides, quite a few Hermits seemed to actually be enjoying themselves, though maybe more of them would do so if the sound wasn’t as loud.

With a chuckle, he sent out the command, and indeed, the various instances of the song no longer looped when they got to the end.

For now, he’d just disable the voice activation function. Or…

“Ah, that’s better, wouldn’t you think, Iskall?” he asked innocently, and Iskall nodded.

“Yes, much better.”

And much to Doc’s dismay, the happy beats of Caramelldansen started again.

And that was the day the cyborg showed everyone the true meaning of ‘angry dancing’.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is fueled by three and a half hours of caramelldansen on loop. thats it. thats my excuse. 
> 
> yell at me on tumblr i guess. im @fluid-quartz.


End file.
